In Memory of Aunt Marian

While we were in Bozeman, in the process of taking Caleb to college, I got the message from my mom and another from my cousin, Tamie, that my Aunt Marian Bower had finally passed away from pancreatic cancer. She had been fighting a good fight with chemo and radiation treatments over the last 18 months or so. She had looking into pretty much every option and experimental treatment she could possible for her prognosis. However, within the last couple of months, she had finally come to the end of her options. The treatments which had once helped shrink her tumors were no longer effective. Within a short span of time, she was hospitalized with fluid building up in her abdomen. Then she quickly was transferred to hospice. 

During her treatments, I had not been able to see her in person, but had been in communication with her through Facebook, Messenger and even Ancestry.com. She, also, had been interested in tracing our family history, so we had shared our trees. 

Once COVID-19 hit, there were restrictions on everything. She had posted on Facebook that she would be going in for one of her chemo treatments, but was not allowed to bring anyone with her to keep her company, so I reached out through Messenger and asked if I could "visit with her" via a video call during that time. We had a pleasant little call. By that time, she was wearing hats to cover her baldness, and was struggling with feeling well after treatments or sleeping. 

Once I realized things were really getting critical, I contacted my Uncle Dave to find out when a good time might be to try and chat with her in hospice. I was able to catch her in between visitors and treatments. She was in surprisingly good spirits and lucid. She expressed her concern for my Uncle Dave and how hard everything has been and will be once she was gone. She said that they had all of her finally wishes and arrangements in order. We chatted about her little comfort dog, Buddy, and what a sweet little protector he was. He would whimper whenever they were separated and thrived just sitting with her. She didn't sound scared about death. She sounded a peace with it. I guess, she had had awhile to get used to the idea. 

The one thing that struck me was her reaction when I asked about her having visitors. My mom had told us "kids" that my aunt and uncle were asking for immediate family only, not allowing my dad, her brother, to visit her. When I mentioned them wanting to see her, she immediately bristled and expressed her hurt and even anger towards her brothers. She did not particularly want to see them after the way they had treated her. I suddenly remembered my dad some time back mentioning how he had "had to take a step back" from his relationship with his sister. She had always had a very strong personality, and he felt that she and Dave were hard to get along with. Therefore, he and my uncles John and Mark had decided to give themselves some space from them. This saddened me greatly. I understand that they felt they were doing what was best for themselves, yet I can't help but ache for my aunt, the only sister with her mother and father gone and dying the last year and a half, only to have her brothers shut her out. I now was seeing first hand, the hurt that had inflicted on her. And now she was not in a place where she wanted their death bed repentance. It was too little too late, after their relationships had been nil for so long. I couldn't really blame her for feeling that way, but I had hoped that she would change her mind. She never did. 

Shortly after getting the news of her passing, my Uncle Dave reached out to me and Laura via Messenger and expressed his love for us. We, alone, had consistently reached out and tried to have relationships with he and my aunt. He expressed his own hurt for the way things had gone with Marian and her brothers. It seems that reconciliation may not be possible now that she is gone. She had been praying on her death bed that God would forgive her brothers and that all would be made right somehow in their relationships. So sad. 

Here is the tribute that I wrote to my cousin, Tamie, for my aunt. 

"Your dad told me about the small memorial gathering tomorrow. We are out of town taking Caleb to college this weekend, so I have no way to make it, but I was thinking I could send along some thoughts/memories of your mom, if that's ok? Maybe just for you, Paul and your dad? So you can know my heart and thoughts are with you all.

Aunt Marian was my only aunt by blood on both sides of my family (my mom has no sisters), and although I didn't get to see her very often, I always felt a special connection with her. I saw her as a woman of grace, faith, class and poise. She smiled often, and could light up the room she was in. 

As a child, I used to look forward to our annual family Christmas Eve gathering at Grandma Edie's house, knowing I would see her, and that we kids would also get to have our own little bundles of her assorted, homemade Christmas cookies. They were some of my favorites! I especially like the green frosted wreath sugar cookies with the red hot holly berries on them. 

Aunt Marian was the best at remembering my birthdays. All through my childhood into adulthood, she would send cards or post a Facebook greeting to me without fail. She showed me what kind of aunt I wanted to be someday, someone who made her nieces and nephews feel special, remembered and loved.

Aunt Marian hosted my bridal shower over 20 years ago in her home. She and Grandma Edie organized a simple, but elegant shower in my honor and I felt honored and loved. Aunt Marian was a master party hostess and knew how to make everything look perfect...like Martha Stewart perfect. I was always so impressed with what she could do. 

I loved that Aunt Marian was a fighter. I imagine that when you are a "middle" child among brothers, you have to be assertive and know what you are about, but it was also evident in her attitude about fighting for what was important to her. She was a mama bear and loved her family fiercely.

She and I both enjoyed working on family history, to trace our family tree. I really enjoyed sharing discoveries with her, and seeing all the old photos and gems that she had. That was just one more way we were able to connect with each other. I know that there was a long awaited reunion for her with Grandma Edie, Grandma Dunham and others whom she had gotten to know through her family history work. Though we are separated for now, I know that we, too, will be reunited with her. Until that time, I will try to follow her example of love. 'God be with you 'til we meet again.'"

  

Marian Philomena Logsdon Bower

17 November 1956 - 24 August 2020