The Inner Struggle

"Hi. My name is Stephanie, and I am a control-freak. I've gone 30 minutes since my last control outbreak." Doh!

I freely admit that I am a type A personality. I am all about time management, making lists, multi-tasking, making plans, biting off more than I can chew, yaddah, yaddah. 

I also recognize that that causes me to often fall very easily into being a helicopter parent. I want to fix things. I HATE to see my children not succeeding or having difficulties. It literally takes all that I have in order to STOP myself from being a crazed control-freak parent. Especially when it comes to my dear oldest child, who is the exact opposite personality type from mine. 

Where I like to over-prepare and triple check that I have things prepared, his things are in a disheveled pile and things are often forgotten or left behind. 

Where I like to have all my proverbial ducks in a row, he is totally fine with the ducks being playfully scattered. He will know where they are when he needs them...most of the time. 

Where I like to be ten minutes early, he is just STARTING to get ready at that exact same time. It. Drives. Me. Nuts!

I have come to realize that he is a dreamer. He is a take-it-as-it-comes personality. He does like to be successful, but stops to smell the roses...often. 

In a way, I envy that sort of more carefree, low-stress attitude. I have to remind myself to slow down a lot of the time. It is an exercise in self-control for me to stop and smell anything. Ha! But at the same time, I see where "Big boy" and his lack of organization and forethought also is getting himself into trouble, specifically in school, and it concerns me. 

I try to monitor from a distance, so that I am not getting all up in his face 24-7. Maybe just 24-5. ;) But really, he knows the drill, both for after school and before school routines and homework expectations. He's been doing them since he was in kindergarten. And yet, we still have days when he goes out the door without all his books or assignments (like this morning), and then I am faced with the parenting dilemma. To bail out or not to bail out. That is the question. 

Last night, "Big boy" worked really hard on his homework. He diligently completed his math at the kitchen table. However when he was done, instead of returning his homework and math binder to his backpack where everything else is, he just put it all in a pile on the hearth. Then it became "out of sight out of mind" during the mad rush this morning when he came downstairs with barely enough time to throw down some toast, get a few verses of scripture in during family scripture study, and then slip into his shoes before racing out to catch the bus. It wasn't until about 30 minutes after he had left that I happened upon his math homework stack. Ugh. And this isn't the first time. 

I've done the "run the homework to school to bail him out" thing before towards the beginning of the school year. However to my dismay, that was not an isolated incident. He has forgotten entire binders of work and homework since then. I have lost track of how many times. Missing assignments and the resulting grades have been a plague on his otherwise brilliant scholarly abilities. 

So, when does it become an issue of irresponsibility and me needing to let go and just let him get the zero for not having his assignment? It literally makes me sick to my stomach (it's the type A in me) to think of being in class and realizing that you don't have your assignment to turn in. Am I being a horrible person and a cruel parent to let him experience the consequences of his actions? If he doesn't organize his stuff before school, he ends up with cruddy grades. Oh, it really makes me sick. :S 

So, here I am agonizing over it all. Going back and forth in my mind. I want him to learn from his experiences. He is old enough to do so. I shouldn't be swooping in as that helicopter parent because I want my child to be self-sufficient and responsible. It is just so darn hard to watch them fall on their faces! I want to be the hero and save the day by showing up with the forgotten assignment. I want him to get the grade that reflects the time he put into that math assignment. Back. Forth. Back. 

I pray that he will understand someday. I hope that he will know how much I love him and want him to be successful as a person of character.    

I am just grateful that it is a relatively small thing in the greater scheme of things. He could be feeling the consequences of something far bigger and far worse. I will just try to count my blessings as I bite the bullet. Parenting is hard.